|yeah it makes me wonder
||[Sep. 25th, 2005|01:16 pm]
|||||plastic bag theme (american beauty) - thomas newman||]|
Life is different lately, in the way where I don't know whether to love it or hate it. Some things are so good. Like me and my dad. There's probably nothing I look forward to more right now than spending time with him. The house is almost done, we get the key on November 15th. And I really can't wait. Then there's my mom. We haven't spoken a word to each other this weekend. Friday night she gets wasted like usual and we fight and blah blah blah exactly like the million times before except this time she picks up and leaves with no word and doesn't come home until after eleven. There's no sense in talking about it and adding all the fucking details because why does it matter anymore? It doesn't besides that she makes me so fucking sick but I have to look around me and realize that I have it GOOD and even though I never thought that a day would come where I couldn't depend on my own mom and it KILLS me, I have so much. Everyone always tells you it's good to have a goal and that's the only way you ever get anywhere. I figured out that my goal is to find the beauty, and be happy with every second that I have and make it my own just how I want it. Everything inside of my brain is my own world and that power is MY power. Being happy is HARD, it's a hard thing to do. But there's so much beauty, there really is, every fucking place I turn around. This whole life is just a test, you know. You have to fight the system, but you have to fight it in the right ways. I'm not going to jeopardize my own happiness just to fuck it over, I'm going to go places with my life. I don't know anything else. That's all that I know. I'm 15, I'm trying to figure EVERYTHING out. I'm not going to have anything figured out anytime soon and I might not figure this shit out in this lifetime, either. But I want to be happy, and I want the people around me to be happy. Nothing else is really that important.